Why My Car is Dirty

I would like to give a shout out to all the people who covered my car in Spam and Vasaline in October. The greasy concotion that originally covered my windows and door handles slowly spread to the ENTIRE CAR! It really had an efficient way of spreading too. When I originally tried to remove the Spam and Vasaline, it had frozen to my car. But that's ok because the warm fall days warmed it up and allowed it to melt and run down my car.

I really appreciate it - I never had any need for Rain-X and my paint was protected by a nice coat of petroleum jelly. This stuff was great - it wouldn't come off no matter how many times I washed the car. All winter I battled this blob that was ingesting my car, but to no avail. It would look like I had gotten all of it off, when another warm day would hit and more goop would melt out of the cracks of my car.

So today it was 87 and I figured that all the Spam Jelly had melted down my car and it was a prime time to wash the car and win this battle once and for all.

I hate washing cars. I never can get it right.

I either use too much soap, and leave a soapy film on it, or too little soap and leave a sheen of dirt. Either way I lose.

I know you are supposed to wash your car in the shade, so the sun doesn't dry it too quickly, but that defeats the primary purpose of washing your car - to get a sun tan. So I am washing my car and it looks like I might win against the Spam Jelly. But no, I turn my back to pick the hose up and the freakin soap dried onto the car! 2 sec. It was literally 2 seconds. How does it do that? I think my car hates me.

So I do the wash-the-car-before-it-dries dance: wash, rinse, dry.... move down and wash, rinse, dry... For the whole car.

I try not wash my car very often, because it only accentuates the paint chips, dents and rust spots. But this time it isn't the paint chips that are extremely obvious, it is the glare of grease on all the windows.

WHAT THE CRAP! I'm not going to be able to see out the windows like that! Maybe there was grease on the shammy, but I think the blob is still winning. I got most of it off the windshield, and I'll just keep the other windows down. Next time I'm at the gas station I'll use one of those nasty squeegees and clean them, I think it'll work better.

I hate washing my car.

The worst part about it all is that I didn't even get a tan today.